Gossiptorial locations around the office.

Gossiptorial locations about the office and gossip spotting.
Today is another international conference call of doom. This is my prime opportunity to glance about the room and consider the intricacies of office life…
Today I have the feeling that gossip seems to be my focus. Thinking about it… There is always at least one gossip, two supporters and numerous others who are interested in other people’s lives and stories. It is like watching planets come into alignment and gravity pulls the gossiptorial group together. Such activity is what gives the office gossip her status and value. She alleviates the tedium and the dull repetition of the office grind.
In terms of gossip, there has to be specific locations for gossip other than instant messaging… These are the communal hubs where people have the opportunity to congregate and appear to be working. It seems that the various locations provide different levels of gossip potential depending on location and privacy… It is kind of like a gossip gathering… In my personal study and investigation I have come up with the following:
The photocopier…
The photocopier is the prime area to catch up on the general happenings. There is not too much actual gossip on the surface but people do have a tendency to reveal how they feel about others and tell you what is going on in their lives. Although, when the paper gets jammed it seems that while people perform the gynaecological operation on the machine, something stimulates them to share actual gossip. I believe that something must happen when the person is bent over and rummaging about the copier’s innards. My assumption is that there is a rush of blood to the head which results in the gossip release… In terms of photocopier disclosure – the collation of actual paper or paper shuffling will disclose the potential for a full confession. The speed and action of the paper shuffle is directly proportionate to what is about to be released. If you notice an increased rate of paper shuffle I suggest you find something to photocopy and get to that machine pretty quickly.
By sitting close to the copier I have learned about bunion removals… Births and birthing techniques. At other times I have been provided with numerous strategies for pulling… The photocopier is not the prime area for full reveals unless there is a massive paper shuffle, but the photocopier provides an entertaining place to catch up and gain insight into other people’s lives.
The lift.
As soon as those lift door shut – that is it! It is as if someone has shot the starters’ gun on the Olympic 100m race. For those who work on the higher floors there is potential for at least three floors of comprehensive gossip off-load. The lift is the prime area for power talking. This is stimulated by the fear that someone will join the lift mid-flow. Have you noticed that other people always enter the lift at the most juicy part of the conversation and it has to be continued in the loo?



The water cooler and /or coffee machine.
The locations of the water coolers vary but those that are in remote places are a hub for office chat. The bigger the bottle you take with you the longer you can chat. Although bringing a ten litre container to the work may indeed reveal a very obvious intention. The answer is to bring ten one bottles and confess that you get very very thirsty. The only problem is that the more water you drink the more time you spend in the loo – which again is another prime location for chat.
Lavatorial gossip.
This is the prime place. I have watched people check every cubicle to make sure that there are not ears a wiggin'. Once clear that is where the gossip off-load takes place. Did you hear… My God so and so… It is amazing. Sometimes people are not so careful in the cubicle check and I have been witness to the beginnings of an office mutiny. After one girl had been crying in the loo her colleague stamped her foot and made a plan for a mass resignation of the whole team. Within the month nine people left a team of ten… I am not saying spend your day on the loo if you are nosy but every so often lurking in the loo can give you an insight into the realities of what is taking place on the bank of desks near by….
The kitchen or communal area…
A little bit too obvious but often people talk in code in this location. I have noticed the office gossip checks this area on a regular basis and follows certain people into the area to see what juicy bits she can catch up on to plan her extraction strategy by mentioning that she already knows something from someone else.
The canteen.
Anywhere that people can form queues and fold their arms will produce gossip. The longer the queue, the more potential for gossip. Obviously sitting down at the table provides the potential for social interaction. Sitting down at a table beside a pair that are already gossiping provides potential for gossip absorption…
The cakes desk of disclosure.
When cakes are brought in or any type of share food – they seem to stimulate conversation. If someone is leaving it seems that people who have never actually talked to them before circle the area take some food and then feel it is perfect to delve into the intricacies of that person’s life. What’s more, when a person leaves everyone always seems stunned, curious and asks why.
When a temp leaves, even if they have not been talked to by the majority of the permanent staff, they still eat their cakes, ask them about their personal history and act like they are their best friend. This is all in order to get a cake. Of course the temp is going to go to London and become an international star, live an extra ordinary life and become a millionaire! In conclusion cake seems to be a gossip catalyst. By eating cake there is a whole load of disclosure… Maybe in comfort food we make our confessions…

Smoker’s hut.
This is the area where those who inhale bonfire disclose most information. I have never been privy to this; however, one of my friends began smoking so she could find out various information… It seemed that the smokers had a specialist knowledge and a network that involved inhalation, fire and disclosure.
The bus
Travelling to and from work is the prime area to catch up. I have noticed an array of office gossips who sit on the bus absorbing everything they can from those in the vicinity. For some reason people do not think they can be heard talking on a bus. The truth is everyone can hear. It is just that they appear to be listening to music but that is just a decoy… They are listening, absorbing and forming an opinion about everything that is being said!
The thing is all of the above is actually fascinating; however, being privy to gossip observation – I have noticed the Chinese whisper phenomenon. It amazes me how stories get exaggerated over time and gossip becomes malicious. I have even known someone who was gossiping over the e-mail to be picked up on her gossip. Her mails were used as evidence of bullying and she was actually fired… As much as gossip can be humorous – it is also someone’s life.

Alternatives make up gossip about an imaginary person / or imaginary friend. Or gossip about yourself in third person… Brilliant!
Okay I have to be involved in the call now – but a little mental wander gave me the escape I needed from mundanity!

MONDAY MORNING TYPING & GOSSIP

Monday morning, loud typing and the truth about gossip.
Arrival in the office on a Monday morning reveals an air of silence, intense concentration and everyone has a look on their face which suggests that someone has dropped a stink bomb. They focus on their screens and appear to be hard at work. To the untrained eye everything appears innocent because on each screen there is something important that they are ‘supposed to ’ work on. What’s more, there is frantic typing echoing in all directions. Do not be fooled by this scene. The truth is everyone is gossiping. YES… What happened at the weekend and who snogged who or got rejected by who.
With the support of a cup of black coffee, gossip is spreading. Instant messenger, e-mail and all other forms of electronic communication were simply developed for the pure purpose to gossip without people hearing you. Yes it is true. The sound of typing suggests work and the more frantic the typing the more hard working you appear to be. Of course what they don’t know is how comments about the size of people’s bottoms in certain clothing… Who did what to who are flying through the digital airways under the guise of hard work!
What’s more, the men are commenting on the office strumpet’s gravity-defying boosaka bra or the office hotty failed wooooing endeavours. There are reports of numerous young bucks attempting to wow the office hotty with drunken smooth moves resembling dad dancing combined with a bucking bull. Of course there was the struggle for alpha-malism with the standard puffed out chests, bonky moves and bottom caressing - all fuelled by ten pints of beer.
Monday morning is prime time for the vulturous office gossip to circle the room. Those who type most frantically reveal their potential. Watch the gossip hone in, arrange her arms under her breasts and go and sit on the desk. ‘So did you get up to anything good over the weekend?’ May be her opening line… In the meantime, warning goes out amongst the others who have sussed out her antics and each swear to keep what they have learned to themselves. The office gossip has techniques… Something in her aura sucks gossip from your very being and no matter how much you purposely resist you will admit that you accidentally snogged the office stinker and were found with your head down the loo 3o minutes later through complete anebriation. That is just how it is and within twenty minutes the whole room will know…

Monday mornings – a social gossip phenomenon!