CAKE ABSORBTION AND THE ART OF BACK CHATTING A CAKE.
Put the cake in the mouth… Go to the gym and burn it off…
That seems to be the common belief within the office. However I am in a period of anti-cakism… I am resisting that cake urge because summer is coming and when it comes to the local beach, I am not going to be the one who has save the whale campaigners dowsing me with water…
What is it with offices and the need to bring cake in at every opportunity? We have had charity cake, birthday cake, cakey cake and hoorah someone has run a long way – let’s celebrate with a cake! Actually there is even a look we have a cake let’s celebrate a cake with a cake hoorah!!!
Admittedly cake and chocolate is my kryptonite. What makes it increasingly difficult is that my desk is located in eyeshot of the cake launch-pad desk… It is not fair! So the cake battle is quite paramount. I have been found in the chocolate isle of the local supermarket wrestling myself over a box of chocolate lint… Yes it was like a toddler having a tantrum where the angel voice in my head said virtue and the naughty voice said do it who cares? Well the angel and the demon had a bit of a wrestle themselves and left me with chocolate scarring! Advice to all – do not talk to the chocolates in the chocolate isle and do not shout, mutter of grab your self in anyway in plain view of the security camera!
Yesterday was a particularly difficult cake struggle. The cakes were in direct view. With little voices screaming eat me… I realised why some cakes are known as fairy cakes because the little voice calling sounds like a fairy!
Anyway the majority of people in the office know that I am on a pound shifting mission. So in honour of this they have arranged the cake along my desk divider. Now they are all clearly eating cake in plane view and wafting in front of my face. Oh let’s make the cakes dance in front of my face… Obviously jamming cake up my nose is going to tempt me…
I did not give in…. So finally my boss came over and advised me that by sitting at the desk in close proximity to the cake meant that I was absorbing the particles of cake through my skin therefore I had succumbed… Unfair? So my response was the following by mail:
Obviously not wanting to disagree with my manager, I would like to apply this theory to other things… To test it if you like. If your theory is correct then the office comedian and office reliable (to omit names) are sitting relatively close, plus we have chairs and desk furniture… If we apply that particular theory to them that would suggest that I was technically absorbing all this through my skin which would therefore suggest I was a living black hole.
Apparently my boss has generated his own alternative universe of cake absorption… The rules are only known to him and his imaginary followers…
Moral of the story: do not tell anyone you are not eating cake because it will create office uproar!
Second moral of the story: do not talk to the cakes in front of your work colleagues, ask whether they can hear the fairies or write about your cake issues.
Third moral of the story do not unintentionally absorb cake through your skin! Or allow anyone to convince you that it is possible!
CAKE ABSORBTION AND THE ART OF BACK CHATTING A
Showing posts with label laughter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label laughter. Show all posts
Friday, 8 April 2011
Thursday, 7 April 2011
I MISSED A FEW OFFICE TYPES
Okay… So it seems I missed a few:
The office gossip.
She is usually buxom and has a tendency to cross her arms as she leans into hear everything and every one. She is a phenomenon because she can extract the intimate details of everyone’s personal life. She is there when someone breaks down and cries, she senses when something is brewing. She notices the subtle gestures between those who are hiding the sausage but trying to keep it quiet. She is an antennae for all goings on and when she gets the chance she sets herself up to be confided in. She is a gossip genius. When she feels she is ready to share she will subtly drop some of the most surprising antics into conversation. ‘So do you hear about…. Such a shame…’ ‘You would never believe… but so and so….’ ‘Guess who is ….’ Everyone wants to know her because people’s lives are brightened by this creature. It is natural to want to know about others but be aware that everyone probably knows about you too!
The office get away with doing absolutely nothing!
The diddly squatter of work. He spends all day on the internet reading the news, looking for cars to buy and bidding on e-bay. He looks like he is busy because he has developed ‘the I am really busy expression,’ but in truth he has done bugger all. Then when it comes to the end of the day his work is dished out to everyone else because it has not been done… He is the object of intense dislike. He rides the wave of ‘getting away with it’ for usually about six months, then he will either move department or get another job. Oh and when it comes down to bonus / pay rise time he is deeply wronged because he has not received anything. He does not get the equation of work in = pay out.
The office vanity.
On the desk there are lipsticks, nail varnishes, spare scarves, perfume etc. She is immaculate. Her hair always looks like the adverts and bounces perfectly. Her clothing is perfectly co-ordinated and her skin is clear like porcelain. She looks amazing, nothing is out of place and she always has a glossy magazine to reference. She takes pride in how she looks but disaster falls when a nail is broken. Catastrophy and drama ensue until super-glue is applied. The world then returns to stability.
The office mum.
She is there in times of need. She usually has available tea and biscuits. If anyone cries at the desk she is there batting off the office gossip and backstabber. Her atmosphere is pure mother, she nurtures, loves and supports. She is a wonderful woman and should receive more appreciation because she constantly gives with out the expectation of a return. We should have a national office mum day! Oh and never under-estimate the power of nurture!
The office power hungry.
This one is simple – they will do what they have to do to get where think they want to be. They will stamp on anyone and everyone to achieve their goal. What they do not consider is that to have power a person needs to feel powerful inside. The power hungry at some point has felt powerless and the chip on their shoulder drives them. They believe that in the future that having power will make them happy. A little insight here – power does not make people happy. Being happy is a state of being… Thought you might like to know that!
The office idiot.
He is rather silly, spends his life just getting by. He just does not get it, he never will because his mind resides in a land of complete idiocy. In a state of ignorant bliss he gets on with mundane and easy tasks that no one wants to do. He usually gets it wrong so it has to be done again. It is fine, he will not be upset, he will simply do something else equally badly. The others in the office have no clue how he got employed but the office idiot does serve his purpose in that he makes the rest of the office feel superior!
The office powerhouse of efficiency.
Done it. Yep done. Have you… Yep done, complete, done! This person is super efficient. They work like a machine. With big gestures they tick yet another thing off their list. They are super efficient and like to let everyone know it. Yes they do make others feel inadequate but we do need this person within the office dynamic to support the office idiot and the ‘I have done diddly squat!’
The thing is this person will end up with burnout at some point or build massive resentment for the people who cannot keep up. She will ask something to be done and will learn that only she will do it… It is a harsh realisation for the Office powerhouse of efficiency that other people do not get satisfaction from being the most efficient.
Okay… So it seems I missed a few:
The office gossip.
She is usually buxom and has a tendency to cross her arms as she leans into hear everything and every one. She is a phenomenon because she can extract the intimate details of everyone’s personal life. She is there when someone breaks down and cries, she senses when something is brewing. She notices the subtle gestures between those who are hiding the sausage but trying to keep it quiet. She is an antennae for all goings on and when she gets the chance she sets herself up to be confided in. She is a gossip genius. When she feels she is ready to share she will subtly drop some of the most surprising antics into conversation. ‘So do you hear about…. Such a shame…’ ‘You would never believe… but so and so….’ ‘Guess who is ….’ Everyone wants to know her because people’s lives are brightened by this creature. It is natural to want to know about others but be aware that everyone probably knows about you too!
The office get away with doing absolutely nothing!
The diddly squatter of work. He spends all day on the internet reading the news, looking for cars to buy and bidding on e-bay. He looks like he is busy because he has developed ‘the I am really busy expression,’ but in truth he has done bugger all. Then when it comes to the end of the day his work is dished out to everyone else because it has not been done… He is the object of intense dislike. He rides the wave of ‘getting away with it’ for usually about six months, then he will either move department or get another job. Oh and when it comes down to bonus / pay rise time he is deeply wronged because he has not received anything. He does not get the equation of work in = pay out.
The office vanity.
On the desk there are lipsticks, nail varnishes, spare scarves, perfume etc. She is immaculate. Her hair always looks like the adverts and bounces perfectly. Her clothing is perfectly co-ordinated and her skin is clear like porcelain. She looks amazing, nothing is out of place and she always has a glossy magazine to reference. She takes pride in how she looks but disaster falls when a nail is broken. Catastrophy and drama ensue until super-glue is applied. The world then returns to stability.
The office mum.
She is there in times of need. She usually has available tea and biscuits. If anyone cries at the desk she is there batting off the office gossip and backstabber. Her atmosphere is pure mother, she nurtures, loves and supports. She is a wonderful woman and should receive more appreciation because she constantly gives with out the expectation of a return. We should have a national office mum day! Oh and never under-estimate the power of nurture!
The office power hungry.
This one is simple – they will do what they have to do to get where think they want to be. They will stamp on anyone and everyone to achieve their goal. What they do not consider is that to have power a person needs to feel powerful inside. The power hungry at some point has felt powerless and the chip on their shoulder drives them. They believe that in the future that having power will make them happy. A little insight here – power does not make people happy. Being happy is a state of being… Thought you might like to know that!
The office idiot.
He is rather silly, spends his life just getting by. He just does not get it, he never will because his mind resides in a land of complete idiocy. In a state of ignorant bliss he gets on with mundane and easy tasks that no one wants to do. He usually gets it wrong so it has to be done again. It is fine, he will not be upset, he will simply do something else equally badly. The others in the office have no clue how he got employed but the office idiot does serve his purpose in that he makes the rest of the office feel superior!
The office powerhouse of efficiency.
Done it. Yep done. Have you… Yep done, complete, done! This person is super efficient. They work like a machine. With big gestures they tick yet another thing off their list. They are super efficient and like to let everyone know it. Yes they do make others feel inadequate but we do need this person within the office dynamic to support the office idiot and the ‘I have done diddly squat!’
The thing is this person will end up with burnout at some point or build massive resentment for the people who cannot keep up. She will ask something to be done and will learn that only she will do it… It is a harsh realisation for the Office powerhouse of efficiency that other people do not get satisfaction from being the most efficient.
Okay… So it seems I missed a few:
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