TOILET OF TERROR!

The office toilet dynamic and the curious incident of the nostril violator.
Whether we like it or not, we all, during the course of the day, have to visit the office loo. To be honest if I did not have to go I would avoid the toiletry dynamic at all costs. So today, as with every other day I have ventured into the toilet of terror! Yes it is the toilet of terror. You never know who, what or how you are going to find this loo. What’s more, when you do venture there it is often the case that cleaning is in progress and the appropriate ‘you must cross your legs and wait’ sign is stuck to the door. Now when you have a cleaning sign on the door you generally make the assumption that cleaning is taking place. I believe this cleaner may well be the anti-thesis of cleaning and goes in there and destroys the area. In actual fact I think she goes in there and sprays nostril violation stink bombs and throws toilet paper on the floor so it can get stuck to your shoes.
When I have finally managed to access the toilet of terror, I have noticed some common themes that appear to be repeat toiletry patterns. The end loo is always taken by someone sitting rustling loo roll. That in toiletry terms means it is time to evacuate the area – women and children first and I am letting you know of an impending posterior tragedy. Also if anyone passes wind in the bathroom they generally have a tendency to stay in the cubicle until any potential witnesses have left. If miss vanity is in the loo the rips-snorter creator is likely to be in the toilet most of the day.
Talking of the office vanity, she seems to spend the majority of the day studying her non-existent zits in the mirror. She applies make-up on make-up and adjusts, readjusts and adjusts her clothing. Her hair is endlessly brushed and lip gloss is applied then re-applied and applied again. Some call it applying the slap, I would say that is a defensive technique to buffer the slap that she deserves for allowing other people to sweat blood while she makes herself look nice. What’s more, she gets away with this by fluttering her false eyelashes and smelling nice. In one office I worked in we had to type a code into the phone to collate the time that we spent in the loo. This then became a metric and each person’s time in the loo was added up and added to a chart. One particular girl was called into a meeting and asked her to justify her average time spent in the loo.
I just walked into the ‘restroom’ to find the office ‘I am on a diet’ studying her bottom in the mirror. Clenching one’s bottom cheeks does not change the size of the bottom, only the shape. It you wear cheap trousers clenching will only reveal cellulite and make it look like a squashed organge, so don’t do it. Now, something I have noticed is that when women look in mirrors they adopt what I now call ‘the my best slim face. ‘ They suck in their cheeks and kind of do an ‘I’m in a magazine pose.’ What’s more, it seems that all women do this – no exception – the old, the ugly, the strumpet the cute – all of them! They also have a tendency to look at themselves from a three-quarter angle and lift up the closest shoulder. Some look hunched others look like pin-ups others… Well… We won’t go there. Many also tip their head to hide double chins. I guess that I notice this because for years I worked as a photographer on cruise ships. And when it came to photographing portly women I had to stand on something tall and make them look up to avoid capturing extra chins or hanging skin. Obviously sometimes you might have to consider standing on the ship’s funnel to get the best angle and distance but you had to do what you had to do to get the best shot. At one time I was re-touching and asked to add a whole head of hair to a bald man… I have also had to remove every wrinkle from and eighty year old… Try doing that when she had probably spent about sixty years in the sun!
Sorry I deviated from the bathroom. In the toilet of terror there is often the moment of loo role lack. I have heard people whimper ‘hello… Is anyone there… There is no loo roll in here…’
Now what I do wonder is who in their right mind would choose to clean loos? There must be other alternatives than loos. One particular cleaner I met at a previous work place was amazing. She interpreted the little messages from the loo. Rather than reading tea leaves she could read other things and offer her opinion on your life and diet… She could tell you about your state of health according to colour, texture and consistency. I never took my opportunity to have this done because I did not comprehend how the shape of my intestine could actually shape my life. Also I have never felt the need to share my posterial creations with strangers…
Talking of that… I do have a real issue with those who do not flush the loo. Now what is going on with that? Is it that people are proud, want to show off or simply torture others? There is nothing worse than walking into a loo with an item floating there which has not flushed. Admittedly most people’s reaction is to turn and walk away. Please flush it because it will affect other people’s days. In terms of being kind to your fellow humans - why allow them to experience the horror that you have experienced too? Now what people don’t actually know – apparently – is that if you repeatedly pump the flush button it will eventually flush. Effort in will result in a full flush…. Wow! Amazing!
Has anyone else ever witnessed the competition between length and force of peeing sound whilst other women visit the loo? Personally I have a tendency to suffer stage fright when others are present and have to really concentrate to allow anything to happen. Others seem to have the tendency to simply go for it and let loose. The sheer force and power behind it can lead me to a number of conclusions: they drank a river. Somewhere in their lineage they adopted a horse genetic. Or they have the pelvic floor of steel. I think the power-pee-er is more than likely the office power hungry because even in the bathroom her insecurity is demonstrated by the sheer force of her peeing skills.
Hovering… I understand that when we actually consider all the different bear behinds that have sat on toilet seats is quite disturbing, but hovering is not the answer. It seems that women who wish to strengthen their thighs and have no contact with the evil loo, often go for the hover, but the truth is hovering is selfish. Honestly how good are you at aiming? You might have a pelvic floor which could shoot a basketball but that is a rare phenomenon and you are messing up the loo for others and giving the anti-thesis cleaner no change to make her own mess!
Now I have just witnessed the ultimate in the bathroom, a woman who simply adjusted her tone and almost created a cyclic hum with her number one production. I am actually astounded – how did she learn that? Is it a natural talent?
What I would like to know is whether anyone else notices this stuff going on? Or is it that the office observer simply notices everything because they it is intrinsic to them.
Moral of the story: don’t visit the toilet of terror if you want to remain emotionally unaffected.
Moral of the story two: to compete in the power pee Olympics do numerous pelvic floor exercises at the desk. Build up your skills to shooting basketballs and only then compete!
Moral of the story three – develop a bladder of steel which can last nine hours without any visits. You will impress your boss because of how long you spend at the desk
Moral of the story four: bring your own potty to the desk.

Hanging out for holidays and advancement in the knicker continuum

Hanging out for holidays.
So do you ever get to the point where you have not had any time off for a while and you are desperate for a holiday? I guess that would be most people… I was just thinking about it… As you can imagine I am having the palm tree daydream and I have just realised that it is close to five months since I took a holiday. I know… What am I playing at? The thing is I have been pretty sly and utilised all the coming bank holidays to use the most limited amount of holiday days and maximise the most time off possible… So as of the 22nd I have 17 days in a row using a whole seven days holiday – bliss!
So it is Wednesday and that means Wednesday call of doom! It is the most boring call in the world and the other team members are comfort eating chocolate digestives. Rather than add on the poundage I have wondered off into Michelle land of Laaaaaa and today the land of Laaaaaaa is full of holidays. Amongst the holiday scene a giant pair of knickers has doubled as a hammock! It seems the ’knickers on wheels’ post has raised a few eyebrows in the office and it seems knickers attached to wheels could become the next big thing… Dragging your knickers around the office on the bottom of your chair could be a signal for availability and single-dom. It could be a special mating signal - like those birds waving their giant red warbles about. Although I wouldn’t advise knicker waving from your chin.
Of course the post stimulated numerous knicker-loss horror stories… Of the numerous knickerless adventures, my friend’s knicker elastic evaporation was the worst. It is amazing how knicker elastic can select the most awkward of places to evaporate. While my friend was walking through the main central area within the place she worked that was precisely when the knicker escape began. Numerous business men sat at tables and her knickers slid down to her knees. To combat the issue she walked with a slightly wider stride but that did not help and the said knickers slid to her ankles. In that moment she had a choice – pull them back up or let them go… What would you choose? Whilst looking straight ahead she simply stepped out of the defiant undercarriage protectors and continued walking. What I find amazing is that no one pointed it out. It was as if it was a normal occurrence and a lone pair of knickers made their escape into the central meeting area. For the rest of that afternoon a pair of red, lace knickers remained on a white marble floor. People would not be able to miss them! Of course for the rest of the day she had to be aware that it was windy outside, she was wearing a skirt and could not allow anything to drop on the floor.
This then lead me to my ultimate horror story of loss of the knicker kind. This one also happened to me… In public, with a crowd and a school party!
I went to Cabo St. Lucas- Mexico , to swim the dolphin. My particular dolphin swimming partner was called Osiris. Now as part of the fun you get to hold onto the dolphin and swim. Unfortunately with a dolphin noise she blasted off and so did my bikini bottoms. Unfortunately we were in a pool, with large windows and a school party had just arrived. It was a while before I realised. I was just about to climb out after the rapid ride and I looked down in horror. The penny dropped and suddenly I understood that the dark material floating on the other side of the pool was in fact my nik naks! So after feeling somewhat humiliated by the dolphin, I had to swim back and collect them. The only possible good that could have come from that is that the school party would have had a lesson in female biology and the virtues of investing in pressure-resistant bikini bottoms.
I feel at this point it would be well worth having a moral of the story.
Moral of the story – invest in knickers that stick to you like glue… Actually no invest in anti-falling down knickers. Or alternatively wear two pairs of knickers then if you lose one pair you have a back up. For those who need an extreme contingency - wear three pairs. The should be a really small pair. The second a slightly larger pair and the third – a giant pair of granny knickers…!
Second Moral of the story - time your bikini bottom loss to be at night and away from a pool with windows.
Third moral of the story only go on holiday to nudist beaches and places where loss of knickers is not frowned upon.
From darkness came light and whether you realise it or not there are solutions for all knickery eventualities!