Shoe sniffing and general office hysteria.
When you come to work at eight in the morning to be greeted by a mass of people sniffing a shoe you realise that mass office hysteria has most definitely broken out. Admittedly it was a strange sight but it did demand attention. How often have you witnessed a line of people waiting to sniff a shoe? Shoe sniffing - is that some metaphor or had Cinderella found a new way of identification?
After each person had sniffed the shoe another lined up to sniff it. “Mmmm that is really nice,” said one.
“ I never knew shoes could smell so good,” said another.
The queue grew… I understand that in England we have a tendency to queue but that has to be one of the most ridiculous reasons to join other than to see why everyone is queuing. As much as I was resistant I was also curious. Why was everyone sniffing a shoe and why was everyone coming away smiling?
The office hotty stood proudly waving her fragrant shoe under people’s noses. When I reached the said shoe I studied it – it was pink with a heart on the top – of course it was perfect office attire. Well perfect office attire for male distraction and fantasy.
After studying the shoe, I leant forward and sniffed. My goodness…. What did I discover? It was not a game of sabotage –the office hotty had not trodden in dog mess and being vicious – instead the shoe smelled like bubble gum – yes bubble gum!
“I cannot believe people are lined up to sniff your shoe – no one lines up to sniff my trainers…” Obviously the aroma is not quite so enticing – instead of a smell of bubble gum my trainers smell like dog breath mixed with death and rotten sprouts. Although in a twisted way I would love the same people to sniff those trainers so that they could make the comparison! Of course that is me being a bit ‘dark’.
“Yes it is bubblegum flavour shoes,” said the office hotty.
I glanced down at my trainers, “I have rotten sprout flavour trainers. Does anyone want to sniff?”
The line dispersed but numerous women still clambered to study the beautiful shoe form before them. It was as if the shoe had descended from heaven its self“Vivienne Westwood,” said the office hotty with a coy smile.
The other women oooooed and ahhhhhhhhhhhed – they were grateful to simply have touched an expensive shoe.
In that moment I experienced an epiphany… When people fall at other people’s feet it is because their shoes smell of bubblegum rather or perfume rather than dog’s arse.
After that I went for a coffee to digest the fragrant shoe phenomenon. I studied people’s shoes and wondered whether there was a definitive guide to shoe selection and whether a person could be profiled according to shoe. Did the shoe actually correlate to the office type? The office hotty wore decorative feminine shoes. The office stinker probably wore stinky shoes – oh crap that makes me the office stinker doesn’t it? I am not the office stinker – I promise - I do have office observer shoes too. They have binoculars on the front… Actually that was a joke. The office bore probably has grey dull shoes. The office efficient will probably have clean patent shoes.
Does the office comedian wear clown shoes? Hmmm I feel that a study of shoes in relation to office personality profile might be necessary. Although if a person knew a shoe profile could they create decoys? Hmmm I wonder if the office strumpet wears leopard skin shoes. Obviously office little and cute wears small shoes because their feet are so small but those shoes will be psychologically selected to exude more cuteness…. There is a whole world of shoe profiling potential that I had never recognised before. How had I missed it?
A whole new study of potential personality profiling has opened up… Shoe spotting could reveal power dynamics… How am I going to cope with this new observatory knowledge? What else will be sniffing in the office next? Shoes today – what tomorrow… Office sniffing hysteria has infected everyone! Pheww… It is too much – I have to focus on metrics and graphs. That way I will not be overwhelmed by the potential of the shoe and shoe aroma in the office dynamic!
Moral of the story when sniffing shoes make sure they smell of perfume before sniffing.
Moral of the story two – never join a queue unless you know what it is for – you may be forced to sniff my trainers!
Moral of the story three – wear good shoes at all times otherwise you may unintentionally fall into the role of the office stinker without even realising it!
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