Men are from Pen-us and women eat Mars.

Men are from Pen-us and women will eat Mars.
It is a known fact that men and women approach life from very different angles. Men prefer a 45 degree trajectory and women prefer to think of things in relation to chocolate or how things feel. When a man travels on a road it will be a motorway whereas a woman has a tendency to meander and curve. When a man discusses his car he talks in terms of speed and power. A woman generally is concerned about colour. Men design things that are hard and rigid. Women prefer soft, silky and squidgy. A lap top designed by a woman would be pink, soft and smell nice. A man on the other hand has to create a rigid and erect item. You may have never considered this before but I do not think that a woman invented the canon. I would guess that whoever created that explosive device was inspired by his nether regions. Maybe he had some below the belt issues that had to be compensated by a large penile replica to threaten and kill other men with!
Anyway, I have femininely meandered. So why is it that I reference the above? Well the beginnings of these thoughts emerged on Saturday night. I was in a bar with two of my single friends who are in their mid-forties and single. During our conversations both confessed that they have not actually learned how men work. Admittedly nor have I. So with the above in mind I put the male/female conundrum to the male office comedian and the male office cheeky. One is married and the other is in a long-term relationship, so therefore they are well equipped in providing male insight into the acquisition of the ideal woman and how certain women appeal to men.
Question – so what do you have to do to get a man to talk to a woman in a bar?
Answer, “nothing.”
“What?”
“A man will not go and talk to a woman in a bar anymore,” replied the office cheeky.
Both the office cheeky and the office comedian gave each other that knowing nod. They were definitely in male agreement.
“What never?”
The office cheeky looked me in the eyes, “there are two exceptions to this rule. Unless you are obviously drunk, rather ugly, desperate or extremely good looking a man will not approach you. There is absolutely no way that a man will talk to you unless it is really easy and usually he will not actually talk. Things have changed… You are living in the wrong century…”
“So you are saying that women who are average looking – to pretty good looking are going to just be looked at and not talked to…”
The pair nodded.
“Why is that?”
“The rejection syndrome…”
“What?”
“Men are fed up with being rejected… It is as simple as that!” said the office cheeky!
“But surely they just need to get some balls…”
“It isn’t about balls and it isn’t men who have made men like that…” said office cheeky sadly.
“It is all those empowered women who have told all those men to sod off or just walked off. REJECTION IS THE ULTIMATE FEAR! In the end men decided in unison to say bollocks to it! There are easier ways to meet women who will not simply blow them out. Take the internet for example…”
I shook my head sadly, what had happened to the world of liaising. Why couldn’t a man and a woman who were attracted to each other have a nice chat, gaze into each other’s eye, have a canoodle and then date… I had been out of the dating world for a year and it appeared I was too far removed from the realities of dating! Rubbish!
“This dynamic has been created by both sexes. The man is fed up of being rejected and woman has rejected one too many times!” said the office comedian.
If this continues the way it is man and woman will never meet. There had to be an answer.
“So how do we change this?”
“Stop rejecting men… “
“But surely the men still like the hunt…”
The pair shook their heads.
“It is a simple truth that men are just lazy… Average to beautiful are not worth the risk! The hunt has also changed… Hunting can be found in fishing, acquisition of items from the internet or playing football where you technically hunt the ball,” said office cheeky.
He couldn’t be right could he? Twenty two hair men chasing an inflated sack up and down a field could not be the only thing a man could hunt!
“Take sex for example… If a woman is on top it is still rumpy pumpy. He gets to lay there and enjoy the show. Ultimately he does not have to do a thing… Easy – like a take away! Take television as an example - man has evolved to the remote control. He has learned to be energy efficient and use as little effort as possible and that includes women. The hunt has been replaced by the Xbox, play station or wii.”
There had to be a flaw to what he was saying…
“Okay you said there were exceptions to the rule. What happens there?”
“We call it rejection override. This is where the risk of rejection is offset by potential gain.”
“So how does that work…”
“The ugly, the drunk and the desperate are unable to reject. No conversation is necessary either… The drunk cannot string a rejection sentence. The ugly are just grateful to be near someone and the desperate will apparently take anyone… That way there is no rejection and hardly any conversation.”
If he was right what did that mean for the progression of humanity? Did only the ugly, desperate or drunk stand a chance in increasing the world population?
“Okay so something is going on with you… What has made you ask these questions,” said the office comedian. “Come on tell us…”
“Okay… So… This is what happened on Saturday night. I was dressed womanly, was aware of numerous men smiling at me and I was appearing friendly. There was no body slamming potential, or defensiveness… I was simply being relaxed and nice.”
The pair folded their arms and raised their eyebrows.
“I was being nice! So I walked through the crowd and many of them touched me. When I turned to look at them they just smiled and said nothing. The stagnant ‘fart’ silence hung in the air. I was confused and they sipped their drinks… More silence! Later on I was in the toilet and a girl who would be considered very attractive had been in conversation with a chap. He told her that the problem was that the women in Bournemouth all look like models. She looked like a model. So how was that a problem?”
“Essentially the chap was informing her of the final exception to the rule. And telling her that he was holding out for this… She was probably beautiful but not override beautiful! He was holding out for the dazzler!”
“Right…”
“So did you chat to any blokes?”
“Yes quite a few… I was introduced to them…”
“See that makes it easy – no rejection,” said office cheeky.
“What did they say to you?”
“That I was refreshing, unique and looked like a princess.”
The pair glanced at each other and smiled.
“That means that you can hold a conversation and that they like you. It also means that they have not yet decided if you are out of their league. You are an intelligent woman who has a sense of humour. Unfortunately that does not often compute!”
Maybe I should have simply fluttered my eyelashes, flicked my hair and let them talk…
“I really don’t get it…” I said.
“Okay so this is how it goes. There is a male mental override where the prize is worth the sacrifice of dignity and pride. This is when a woman displays and mesmerises the potential male victim. He does not stand a chance. She flashes flesh, flicks her lustrous locks and wears either a really short skirt or a breast revealing top… Whichever she uses to display is purposeful to cause the override of the male rejection fear. Men will literally climb over themselves and risk complete humiliation because if she says yes all the other men will worship him. He will be the alpha male.”
“So how is this exception determined?” I asked.
“She just exists – something about her dazzles. It is like moths to a flame…”
“Like the beam from the death star that pulls in the millennium falcon?” I asked.
“Worse… A black hole – you have no control of. Every sense in your body is overridden and the dark matter beneath the belt is initiated. Once the first step is taken – there is no turning back!”
“Back to two brains and not enough blood. The blood drops below the belt and propels the legs which would have otherwise been dormant!”
“Exactly!”
The pair sat back in their chairs and gazed into space in male fantasy.
“So what is your advice then?”
“You have a choice – either get ugly, drunk or desperate or evolve into the dazzler.”
The choice was not that great.
“So how do I become the dazzler?”
The pair grinned; they had ideas that I was not going to like…
“Step one – small dress lots of flesh – legs or chest – not both… If you display both you might completely override the male brain and cause an explosion! A man has two eyes and one gaze. Flipping up and down between two flesh revealing locations is too much and they are likely to pass out.”
“So just wear a short dress,” I said.
“Nope! There is more to it.”
“Okay – smell really nice. Be inviting. Constantly smile and set it up for the man to come to you. Clearly gaze into his eyes and draw his attention to the bare flesh. Stroke it or rest your hand on it… Then you simply become hot and out of their league – they will love it.”
I sighed and unconsciously shook my head. It was like Olivia Newton John in Grease. She was the same woman but simply wore skin-tight clothing and suddenly the men were climbing over themselves and singing… Yes singing! Was it really the case that women had to simply dazzle, initiate conversation and be available? What had happened to the world? What had happened to match makers and the teenage years where you practically smiled at a chap and the next thing he was your boyfriend? Had the rejection issue really become that bad that men just simply could not be bothered to chat to women anymore?
“What’s wrong?”
“I want a man with balls!” I replied.
“Men with balls are sold out!” said office cheeky.
“You have a choice –either become amazingly attractive or a lot less attractive and you will see!”
Apparently a look of complete an utter dismay graced my face.
“It is pathetic.”
“All men are pathetic. It is no secret. Make it easy like kiss chase. The women who did not run fast got kissed.”
I stared at him and realised my life long mistake.
“When I was young I was a really fast runner. I just suddenly realised that those other girls were purposely not running. That is not right… The sneaky buggers! They knew! They planned it! Oh God!”
Years of believing I was excelling at kiss chase was destroyed. Some of the girls had already learned the secret of not running too fast at the age of eight. It was not about getting away or being an athlete… They had simply made themselves available! The athletes among us had failed…
In that moment I realised I had to share this information with the world. Maybe women could be kinder to men to lessen the rejection issue.
“There is one more thing you should know…” said the office cheeky.
“It is a primeval thing that completely overrides all senses of the majority of chaps…”
“Oh here we go…”
“When a man finally approaches the woman of his dreams - the dazzler – he will still not have an actual conversation. His brain will override and a series of non-descript sounds will plop from his mouth. He will believe he is making perfect sense and being witty but all those around him will witness tongue-twisted tremors. Planet Pen-us will have overridden any sense that he had. And ultimately the dream woman will appear horrified, flick her hair and walk away. This will destroy the chap, the other men will consolidate him but such incidents continue to increase the rejection syndrome. So just be nice if a chap does not string a sentence and only manages to make a series of grunts at you. In fact just smile sweetly. You need to understand that he is not in actual fact wasted – it is just that your assets have dazzled him and overridden his brain. He views you as a goddess and is simply happy in your presence!”
“I will consider that in the future.”
After work I went round to my best friend’s house and told her what I had learned. She sat me down and shook her head.
“My brother realised that men were being rejected and that women were frustrated. He and his friend went to a bar and played a game called slap or number. Basically they watched women who were in pairs – when one went to the loo he went over drank her drink and then said ‘can I buy you a drink!’ Every single woman he did that to gave him her number.”
“Is he really good looking?”
“He is okay…”
I sat in silence and had a sudden jolt of understanding… Men without balls were losing out. They would keep losing out. The men who realised the other men were fed up with being rejected could use this to their advantage… Whether women wanted to admit it or not – they still wanted to be approached by a man. It made them feel feminine. The more clever the approach the more likely they were going to be impressed. In that day I had learned more about the dynamics of interaction and came up with some morals of the story…
Moral of the story – fear of rejection is simply an excuse not to take an action.
Moral of the story two – women could be kinder when a man approaches.
Moral of the story three – get ugly or get pretty but it is not possible to do both.
Moral of the story four – drop things… Apparently the act of dropping things can start a conversation. Invest in a pack of knickers and randomly throw them around the bar. If that does not start a conversation then nothing will… Make sure those pants are clean!