For the first time in my life I truly understood the expression as mad a hatter. Imagine parking your car opposite three people who are having a garage sale without a garage. Yes. So a number of undesirable items are lined up along the wall. Broken ornaments, an anarchy flag (everyone must have one of those) and a broken badminton bat... There were other items but they did not make a consumative impression on me...
The three people who had originated the idea accompanied their wall display with hardcore music played at full volume. A sales technique which is quite rare revealed highly energeticdancing which could be likened to jerking, spasms and tantrums. Every so often they sat down swigged a beer and then prepared for the next dance.
Subtely trying to park my car in a space that was coincidentally available oppsite the display, I tried to adopt my stealth departure. Unfortunately as I rounded a corner I stumbled upon three child-like drawings. Since I have a mind which feels the need to decode code I stood studying them. In red pen was writtem 'jellyusy is no need' no to discrmatv bevor,' and 4d+7d = somefing' A real puzzle if you ask me. In the centre there was a half drawn anarchy sign with eyelashes. If you can work that out you are a genius.
Since Boscombe has the ability to provide me than just human spectacle, I stood for a moment attempting fathom what it meant. That was my mistake. One of the spasmotic dancers spotted me and ran over. Well when I say ran is was more of a sideways stumble mixed with forward momentum. When she arrived she grinned at me wearing a top hat. Yes - TOP HAT!
'Hello do you like our drawings?'
Being polite I replied, 'I am just trying to work out what it says.'
'I am wasted.'
I studied the paper. I could not decipher those words.
'No I am wasted - been drinking and dancing. We did this to promote our garage sale. But I'm a bit drunk now.'
Okay - they were promoting their garage sale by not actually referencing a garage, having a garage, a sale or anything relating to it. Amazing cryptic clues - maybe they could enact a garage sale through charades too.
'I did that one,' she said pointing.
I nodded and considered my potential escape.
'It says not to be jealous... There is no point you see.'
She was right.
''cause jelousy makes you jealous.'
I could see the logic in that argument.
'I'm wearing a hat.'
'Yes you are... a top hat too.'
'I'm drunk. That bit says not to discrim in discrimin. Discrimin-hate...' she said with a belch. Discriminhate - that was pretty clever...
'That's a good attitude.' I replied.
'That one there was about dimensions and all the different dimensions. That is done by him over there... He likes his dimensions and his drugs.'
Oh brilliant... Lucky me falling into this conversation.
'I will be honest I don't really get it and I need to go and eat my tea.' I said.
She turned and gazed into my eyes, 'do you like it?'
What did a person say?
'I think the jealousy thing is very true. Jealousy does in actual fact make you jealous. Thank you. Right I have to go...'
She smiled, tipped her hat and stumbled back to the non garage sale.
I wandered home bemused and chatted to one of my friends on the phone about it. As much as I thought that was weird it turns out the person in a flat below her set off the fire-alarm with her cooking. When the three fire engines arrived she would not let them in. She then tried to stop the fire alarm by spraying airfreshner into it(at least it would smell nice) and later she was found hiding in a skip. How do you beat that?
I have to admit since moving to Boscombe I have had more writing material than a person could potentially wish for. Although as wonderful as it is, I often wonder about humanity and what the future holds. Then again - if it all goes to pot one can always hold a garage sale without a garage and advise random people not to get jealous. The posibilities are limitless!
Moral of the story jealously makes you jealous!
Moral of the story 2 Never ever stop and read promotional garage sale signs that do not relate to any garage.
Moral of the story 3 never park near to or next to anyone spasmotically dancing wearing a top hat at six in the evening....
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