Observations from the desk!
The world of work, office characters and the benefits of spending your life sitting at a desk.
It is amazing what thoughts come from boredom!
Today I attended the conference call of dread!
Every week I have a conference call which is intensely dull and causes emotional pain. I often spend the majority of conference calls watching the office dynamic. It is kind of like bird watching but the human version. Obviously I listen to the call but I wonder what other people in the office are actually doing or thinking at their little desk. I sit back in the chair and imagine all the thoughts they are having in their own self-created realities. In truth our little desk areas make us like chickens in our little office battery farms. If we were an experiment, the below would be the verdict of the types of human experimentation and social interaction found in the breeding ground known as the office:
Office interactions and characters…
The office tart!
I have noticed there is generally an office tart. One who waves her wares in front of all the men. She either wears the shortest skirt or bends over a lot. Alternatively she will wear that really low-cut leopard skin top which reveals a bit of lacy bra. When there is a works social even she turns up in either leather trousers and high heels or tight lycra. The men circle like sharks. The women in the vicinity glance at each other and roll their eyes. In my previous department there was a woman who purposely wore her breastage defying gravity. She knows exactly what she is doing. She will flick her hair and laugh at men’s jokes even if they are not funny. This is all part of her corporate plan and it is her way of being promoted. Strangely none of the women liked her and they called her the pro… not meaning professional. Quite often she will be bonking anyone with a title!
Thinking about it – I think there are quite often certain roles within the office.
So we have begun with the office tart. She is so busy waving her wares to get attention.
The office stinker!
There is quite often an office stinker. An example of this was a chap who is rather flatulent. He threatened other employees with his bottom. One time he demanded a biscuit from his colleague by threatening him with a fart. It is not fair but there is usually one. If there are two stinkers in the same office you are most definitely unlucky… There seems to be two factions in office stink. There are those who do not wash properly or at all. They have a tendency to violate nostrils on a continual basis and over a period of time. Those poor blighters who sit in close proximity become accustomed to such smell. That is not fair or right!
Then we have the office blow off. It is usually a man who aggressively passes wind at people. He can threaten, bully or hold hostage. This person is cruel, they know the power of the stink and use this as a power. Personally I really have an issue with this kind of person.
Then we have the office angry.
This person finds every excuse to explode. They remind me of human volcanoes… I have noticed them kicking the printer or slamming drawers. When they hit their heads on the desk you know they have really lost it. My advice is to keep away because you may well end up on the receiving end of their emotional vomit. I promise you they will not get better because everything becomes a trigger until they deal with themselves! Will they do that? No… They are too busy blaming everyone and everything.
The office victim / hypochondriac
This is the person who always has a problem, an ache or is simply a victim of everything… you will notice them limp, look sad or huff loudly… I have noticed lots of them. They pull faces when they walk. When they come over to talk to you they make sucking noises through their teeth. They just want to talk about an ailment or an issue. No one can save them so do not try.
The office dieter. This is the person who is permanently on a diet but does not lose any weight. As they discuss how little they eat, they quite often stuff the second bar of chocolate in their face which they wash down with a diet coke.
The office pessimist.
Nothing is going to work. No matter what happens, no matter how many people help – it will just never work… This is like working next to a grey cloud…
The office comedian.
In our office we have the chap who you look at and laugh. It is not because he looks funny, he is just naturally funny. I have found him sleeping at the desk or doing all manner of thing to distract from the days he is late (like wearing a tie). “When I wear a tie no one asks why I am late. They ask me why I am wearing a tie instead!” Being completely unaware of how funny he is, he lives in a special world which enables the rest of the office to laugh and stress relief. The office victim will love him but will never understand him. Whether you like to admit it or not he is half man / half amazing!
The office oblivious.
This character wafts about, they gaze into space and they are never really there. They are like a ghost and their eyes often trave in different directions simultaneously. They may be looking at you but you can never quite tell.
The office nut nuzzler
This is the classic brown nose. They do everything they can to please all the managers. What is interesting about them is how they seem to invade other people’s space… One particular nut nuzzler was quite often pushing their groin forwards when talking to people. Weird. The truth is they feel rubbish about themselves and want people to like them…
The office back stabber.
The back-stabber be-friends every new employee. They gain their trust through providing them with stationary. For the first month they are their best friend but when there is a mistake they grass them up to make themselves look better. It is an unfortunate reality but it happens. The back-stabber can often be the nut nuzzler as well. The truth is they want to be liked but no one trusts them. That is why they befriend all the newbys… They are the innocents to be corporately slaughtered!
The office gagging for it /perv.
The bloke who is practically sweating because he is gagging for it. Everyone knows it. He is generally shifting around. On his phone there will be all manner of dirty picture. When taking part in an office night out he won’t be able to avoid discussion about porn. He will show girls dirty pictures and not understand why they look horrified and step away. He tends to invade space and always caught staring at the office tart’s breasts… He is not of a high enough ilk to liaise with the office strumpet because she is too busy pursuing the married managing director… Or is already doing him. Of course no one knows when actually everyone knows!
There is the second type of the above, I have just been reminded by a colleague. It is the older man who lurks around young women’s desks. He has been married for thirty years, has children older than the new office totty and offers his vast knowledge in exchange for perving…
The new girl / office totty is polite because she does not want to offend, but is very aware that every move she makes is tracked… She is fresh game and the old office perv is fantasising about her.
The office totty.
Again there are two types of office totty: those who are aware and those who are unaware. They purpose in life is to provide the other workers with visual stimulation and fantasy. We might be jealous of their natural beauty but we are glad they exist. If they did not the world would be a very sad place. What’s more, they provide focus for the office pervs. That keeps them away from us!
The office boring bloke.
You do not want to get stuck with this one. He takes ages to tell the story that you really do not want to hear. His technique is to capture you in a corner, or in a place that you cannot escape. If there was a cliff he would tell you the story while you were on the edge. The choice would be listen to the boring story or...
The office obsessive fitty.
They are fit; they eat protein with a spoon. They go on about how they are running this, training for that and have endless goals. They can run faster, further than anyone who has won gold in the Olympics. When you talk to them their posture is erect and their shoulders are back. They glow with health and everyone wishes they were fit like them but the truth is they are busy shoving cake in their face!
The office wide boy.
This is the chap who reckons he knows everything and just lies and lies and embellishes. They will link loads of acronyms and talk really fast. In truth he is talking absolute rubbish but he is convinced of it. he is also convinced you are convinced - even if you are not!
The office temp.
Usually a singer, an actor, a musician, a photographer or something a little bit alternative. They bring a little bit of sparkle and individuality to the office. Generally they don't were office attire, there will be something a little bit individual in how they present themselves. It could be the beads, the hair or the cardigan. Of course they believe they are going to make their millions when they go to London. Or alternatively they are saving to go on a really big world travel. They spend their six month contract dreaming and talking about what they are going to do. Then strangely they become permenant because they have been corporately moulded. Some make the break and go to another office and temp some more. They will make it big next time…
The office actual worker.
This person is usually a middle-aged woman who simply gets on with it. They are a rare breed but they support the rest of the working environment in that they actually do some work. They are not on office communicator. They work methodically and save the bottoms of everyone. The thing is the boss knows this and whenever there is work to be done it lands on their desk. They never get promoted; they are never told how good they are… They simply get on and do it. They are
reliable!
So one of my least favourite things is hierarchy and how we all have to fall into labels. So we apparently have to respect someone because they have a label. What’s more, how some people think they can treat others badly because they have a label… This leads me to the following:
The office control freak.
Often in a managerial position. Everyone is not good enough. They tell people things like they are not allowed to use the word okay in their sentences. In all everything has to be done their way and no other… Everyone slags them off, but no-one dares tell them. In the end the control freak will lose control and break down – so it is just a matter of waiting!
Now that I have watched the room I have just remembered my favourite conference call. I was eating a carrot and had not set the phone to mute. All the way through the international and really important call there was some really annoying crunching. Because of the time delay I did not realise it was actually me… No one mentioned anything, but towards the end of the call it dawned on me that the annoying crunching was actually me. I turned the mute on and laughed so hard it hurt. Obviously I believe in Absolute professionalism!
So work… I have to admit I like going to work. I like the fact there is a routine and we are all basically thrown into a room of people we would never usually meet. Everyone has a story and everyone is there to make money because in truth - if we had loads of money would we still be here tolerating corporate bull crap? I have to admit that the world of work has provided me with great characters and stories to base my literary adventures on… So I am happy that I work and I believe we all need purpose. I do wonder whether all offices contain the same characters. I wrote this up after walking home... If there are more characters that I have not touched on... I would love to know!
So… With all the above in mind, which one are you?
I personally like to believe I am the office hotty but then the word deluded may well applied to my selection!
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